boulevard of dreams

to know You more.

2006-10-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

I've drifted really far away from You. And now I want to come back, draw close to You.
But it seems so difficult, like there're so many obstacles in the way- Pride, Betrayal, Dishonesty, Opinions.
I miss You and I need You.
I want You and I love You.
But I'm struggling within myself to let any of it show through.
Why does something so right seem so wrong?
After all that's said and done, I know that I've brought this upon myself.
You- oh, You are ever-patient; always waiting for and upon me.
I am incredibly unworthy of You- of Your love.
And yet, You love me with Your life- Your spirit- Your entire being.
I want the world to know that I love You: scream it out loud so that it becomes real- so that I admit it to myself; so that I can feel it once again and not be afraid of it.

Please, I beg You. I don't know what I beg of You, but I beg You.
I'll say it here, I'll say it now:
I. Love. You.

Love, ashley.

In the wee small hours.

2006-07-31T23:51:00.000-07:00

I'm fighting the flu now. I guess it's because of my terrible lack of proper sleep- undisturbed, peaceful sleep. I haven't really been eating very well either. I feel hungry all the time, but when I start eating, after a while, I just feel nauseous and I won't be able to eat anymore. I don't even find candy or chocolate very enticing anymore. Everything brings back the memories. I should just go be a hermit in Tibet.

Please. Thanks. Sorry. Three words We all say very often but never really mean. They simply punctuate our sentences just because they should be there, not because we want them to be.

I want to mean the three words. To me. And you. And you.

When the sun is high in the afternoon sky
You can always find something to do
But from dusk till dawn as the clock ticks on
Something happens to you

In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the boy
And never ever think of counting sheep

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be his if only he'd call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss him most of all

Love, ashley.

Mister Curiosity.

2006-07-30T06:44:00.000-07:00

hey mr. curiosity
is it true what they've been saying about you
are you killing me
you took care of the cat already
and for those who think it's heavy
is it the truth
or is it only gossip
call it mystery or anything
just as long as you'd call me
i sent the message on did you get it when i left it
see this catastrophic event
it wasn't meant to mean no harm
but to think there's nothing wrong is a problem

i'm looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
love is a mystery
mr. curious...

come back to me

mr. waiting ever patient can't you see
that i'm the same the way you left me
in a hurry to spell check me
and i'm underlined already in envy green
and pencil red
and i've forgotten what you've said
will you stop working for the dead and return
mr. curious well i need some inspiration
it's my birthday and i cannot find no cause for celebration
the scenario is grave but i'll be braver when you save me
from this situation laden with hearsay

i'm looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
and love is a mystery
mr. curiosity
be mr. please
do come and find me

i'm looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
(trying not to ask why)
this love is a mystery
mr. curiosity
be mr. please
do come and find me

love is blinding when the timing's never right
oh who am i to beg for difference
finding love in a just an instant
well i don't mind
at least i've tried, well i tried
I tried...

love, ashley.

You and I Both.

2006-07-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

And just when I thought that maybe everything would be alright, something inside me snaps and I'm thrown into this abyss of memory and emotions. I think about the 'used to's, the 'would have's, the 'should have's... And it all ends with this dull ache between my breast. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but in the midst of my business, you still somehow manage to wiggle your way into it all, suddenly appearing in front of me like some ghostly memory that haunts me- the more I will you away, the more you stick around, getting closer, more prominent, more obvious.

I don't know what I'm scared of. And now, when I'm scared I find I've got nobody to turn to. There are those who want to be there, but still, somehow, it feels... not wrong, but 'un-right'.

I haven't cried in about three days now. However, I feel a storm brewing inside ominously. If I had a colour-aura around me that everyone could see, all they'd see is greyness; they wouldn't even see me. Foggy greyness. There ain't no black or white for me now. It's all grey. And I hate it.

I went driving today. Was going quite fast down the flyover when the song below started playing. The acoustic version. I didn't see the lights change. Can't remember what happened next but it scared me real bad. Huge lurch forward as the force of inertia overwhelmed. Then, my instructor went on a rampage. And I... just wanted to disappear into the darkness of my reality.

You and I both. It's a song that connects too many memories.

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore,
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of,
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of,
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words.

Love, ashley.

All we hear is: Radio Gaga, Radio Googoo, Radio Blahblah.

2006-07-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

This damned song has played a total of 7 times on the radio since friday night, and it's only friggin Tuesday. Seriously. I hate the radio. Never thought I'd ever say that in my lifetime but now, I will: I hate the radio.

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long, lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
does the feeling seem oh so right?

And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on?
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Sigh.

Love, ashley.

Both sides now.

2006-07-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

I
want
to jump
out
of my
own
skin.

Mother Teresa said "Loneliness is the worst kind of poverty".
Right now, I'm pretty much dirt poor.

It's funny how you think everything will fall into place, but actually, everything just falls apart.

Things are better than I thought they would be, and yet worse at the same time.
They say Time gets you over anything.
But do I want to allow that to happen with me?

If, iffer, iffest.
Too many ifs.
Whatever it is, there needs to be change.
A lot of it.

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
Clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love
Really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends they're acting strange
And they shake their heads
And they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life
I really don't know life at all

Love, ashley

C'mon Bravery, anytime now.

2006-07-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

And still, I remain hopeful- that things will work themselves out. I fear so much; scared of what is, and is to come. So many 'what if's, too many 'should have's. I ask myself over and over: Why. Why, why, why. This simple, one-word question is deceitfully innocent. It is in fact, a loaded machine gun, at the ready to shoot at all that comes into firing range.

Right now, I wish somebody could erase my memories- both good and bad, so that I don't feel anymore. I never thought it would hurt this much. I'm running out of strength, yet I know I need to push on, pull through. Maybe my ambition will be to invent a memory zapper so that nobody has to feel any pain. Memory causes pain- that much I know. Although it's quite a silly thing to want to do, I'm rather certain that if I do succeed in inventing such a thing, I'd be pretty rich.

I'm all mixed up now. Why does everything I think is right feel so wrong? And yet, the things that feel right, cannot be.

It's scary how I miss you so. I can't stop crying. I don't dare to listen to the radio, I don't sing any songs, I don't dare to even move about my own room because all the things that are around it remind me of you. You're everywhere. Really, everywhere. I drive around town and I see us walking together down the street. I look up at the stars and I see you smiling at me. I can't talk to anyone because nobody's like you. I can't eat although I'm starving, I can't sleep even if my eyes hurt and my head's throbbing with fatigue. I don't dare to look into the mirror because I'm afraid of who or what I'll see- ugly me with the Yoda eyes and puffy face, blotchy red from crying my heart out. All this and you think I've been depressed for a few thousand years.

It's only been a day.

Cannot touch, cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss,
Cannot have each other

Must be strong, and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know
How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you here in my arms?
How does one waltz away from all of the memories?
How do I not miss you when you are gone?

Cannot dream, Cannot share,
Sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel,
Must pretend it's over

Must be brave, and we must go on
Must not say what we've known all along
How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you here in my arms?
How does one waltz away from all of the memories?
How do I not miss you when you are gone?
How can I not love you?

Must be brave, and we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along
How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you here in my arms?
How does one waltz away from all of the memories?
How do I not miss you when you are gone?

How can I not love you when you are gone?

Love, ashley.

without You.

2006-06-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
without you

The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you

Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
lonely blue
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe

The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

Life goes on
but I'm gone
'cause I die-
 without you

love, ashley

Rainbow Connection.

2006-06-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Love, ashley.

festering of the hate-bug.

2006-06-07T02:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because yesterday's date was 06-06-06 that things took a devilish turn and swung into overdrive, only to overheat pangs of anger, frustration and hurt today- in all of us.
Daddy.
Mummy.
Little Sister.
And Me.

It's crazy, man. It really is.

"Eh! you stop talking to me this way before I slap you, you know!"
"He's the Devil!"

"You Fool!"

"Don't make me angry!"

Oh, please, you already are.

Ugh. It's like as if they think there is not enough unrest. Like as if nobody needs to be talked to nicely except themselves.
"O bow before me you slaves, for we are the rulers of the F* world."

It's quite like that in my family. We seem like the Osmans on the outside. Damn, we're like the families in Oliver Twist on the inside.

Growls, yells, shouts, slaps, doors slamming, things breaking, thunder bolting... okay so not the thunder, but other than that, we have the sounds.

Everything is being picked upon, there's criticism in the air. I daresay they breath it, emit it.

Well, all in all, what I'd most like to say is:

Fuck. Off.=)

love, ashley.

what a kick in the head.

2006-05-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

i don't know what this is.
this curdled, mangled feeling-
somewhere between my heart and stomach.

and it's not so much a physical feeling, it's nothing really tangible.
it's just an over-eager, nameless emotion that is revving right there, i don't know exactly where.

my head spins-
with numbness and pain both in congruence with the lightness i feel: i float.

i need to find the me i have never known. me that surprises myself with that extra ounce of strength and grace, wisdom and love.

love, ashley.

2006-05-19T05:04:00.000-07:00

save my soul tonight,

don't let me slip

away

in this world of

broken

dreams

that

simply

come and

like waves

that

touch

the

shore.

love, ashley.

Lately.

2006-04-10T04:48:00.000-07:00

it's almost as if i'm not worth being spoken to.
i'm not Tom, or Dick, or Harry.
and then again, sometimes i'm not anybody. at all.
i'm nobody.
that's what i feel like sometimes-
but that's precisely because i know i'm supposed to mean quite a lot to one.
and then when i'm made to feel like no one, it just hurts all the more.

"Lately, I have had the strangest feeling

With no vivid reason here to find

Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging

'round my mind

. . .

Well, I'm a girl of many wishes

Hope my premonition misses

But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide

‘Cause they always start to cry

‘Cause this time could mean goodbye.."

Love, ashley.

pop-she-bop-she-bop!

2006-03-24T06:10:00.000-08:00

Hello one and all of the few who check out my blog which I haven't updated in the longest time ever.

I have started a job, worked at it for two months and a bit, and then stopped. T Connection at Millenia Walk.

Got back A Level results, applied for university.. -laughs in disbelief-

Anyway, there's really nothing much for me to say, really.

Dad's in a wheelchair now. Left leg is spoilt. Will hopefully recover after physio-therapy.

Mum's getting skinnier everyday- she makes me look like her fat twin.

Sister just turned 12 and is going to be taller than me in no time at all. She's taken on some sorta attitude that is totally unexplainable to me. She's good in her chinese too. Wow. Not sure if she's really my sister. Hmm.

Besides doing my Associate Licentiate for musical theatre this year, and being an understudy teacher, I ain't doin' much else nowadays.

I'm starting to miss going to school. It's crazy, but it's quite real.. hah.... ....

V for Vendetta is like one helluva movie. Must watch.

Got shortlisted for an interview at SMU. We'll just see how that one goes.

Ehm, attempting the Japanese language now- Japanese for Dummies. Heh.. yeahh.

Thinking of robbing a bank so i can keep the cashflow comin in.. er.. anyone got any tuition contacts?

I'm eating really oily seaweed now, and my keyboard is getting shiny and slippery in this process of multi-tasking.

Okay, bye.

Love, ashley.

be prepared to forsake a little.

2006-01-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

i've been so busy, it's really quite unbelievable.
i work at tconnection now, a really quaint lil shop at millenia.
i really like it there, but the travelling's a pain.

haven't done anything to scream about lately.
it's starting to get monotonous, somewhat..
and i can feel the restlessness swelling like a pregnant woman's tummy.

i ain't got no resolutions this year, cos they never work for me.. or well, I never work for them.
so. i'll just do my best in the things worth me doing my best for, aye?
certain aspects in my life need dynamic change.
problem is, i don't know where i put the keys to those doors.
i'll need to do a spring clean of my thoughts, emotions, and all- sort them out a little.. a lot.

i've yet again committed the damned sin of not keeping friends close.
what is it about me? gawd, i wish i knew..

i feel like one day, someday, soon, i'll be left with nobody.
it's an achy thought that grinds on the nail of my soul and bends it away from my flesh.

what will happen when i become that sad loser loner person whom i always wanted to befriend but never did cos i was too busy and didn't really want to make friends with, actually..?

God help me.

love, ashley.

take out the speck, throw out the log.

2005-11-30T23:52:00.000-08:00

Hello you who is reading my blog.

I decided, after lots and lots of thought that I will not be a grump. It's really no fun at all.
I have also decided, that in anything that happens to you, or in anything that you feel, it only affects you because you allow it to, or you have put yourself in a position where you are left to be vulnerable to all kinds of emotions and sensitivity.
It really makes sense to just do something on your part to help ease any uncomfortable position you might find yourself in, and that is because alot of the time, it is yourself that feels inadequate or insecure, and when YOU do something to make yourself feel less of those things then everything else will fall in place (though not perfectly), but you know, it just gets better.

So, instead of making everyone feel like they owe me a living or summat like that, I will make THEM feel like they're worthy of being friends or family with, and that I am happy being there for them. Cos cheeriness brings more cheer, and sulkiness brings isolation. I mean, c'mon, who wants to be friends with a codfish? Heh..

Yeah, so I'm still trying to work out my resolutions list for 2006, and I think I will add some of my rationale to it.

It's already december, Christmas is coming!
Let's get on with it and get happy aye? Hohoho.
*grin*

Love, ashley.

the most wonderful time of the year, is it?

2005-11-29T00:18:00.000-08:00

and so today, i've been relegated to my own company.
nobody's free, and then again, i'm a little lazy to go too far out.

i thought that the end of the exams would be this whole block of hours and minutes where we'd all be celebrating and doing things together and growing more and more in love and friendship and what have you. i looked forward to this time so much, and maybe i pinned my hopes too high up- cos now i'm disappointed.

it may just be me and my sensitivity and emotions and all that jazz.. but when i come to look at it, am i really not around that often? or is it just that nobody tells me anything anymore cos i'm not part of.. something.

it's funny, cos i've hardly ever felt like this before. and to a certain extent, i can now fully empathise with whoever else who has felt this way.. cos it really does suck, and i will try my fullest best not to make anyone feel the way i feel now. like they don't have friends who are there and yet just for name's sake, maybe.

and yet, something tells me it's all in my head, (if that is where emotions and weird feelings come from). people might tell me, "include yourself, make yourself involved".
yes, i agree, cos that's exactly what i would tell someone who is in my predicament, but the tricky part is: how am i to do that when i don't even know when everyone is meeting up and going out together? how come everyone knows about it, and i don't, how come? am i supposed to call and check if they're meeting up tomorrow every night?

maybe i've done something that makes it okay for me to not be there, and when i am, not really that wanted or included. i'm sorry if i have, but i don't know what it is. i'm not even sure if thismight aggravate anyone. i don't know much. anymore.

don't get me wrong, please. i'm not trying to spoil your holiday moods or anything.. whatever it is, i still want that christmas party at my place, still want all your company, cos that's what this is about, still want everyone to be happy and happier this christmas.

all i'm saying: i miss my friends, but i just can't really seem to find them right now.

i don't know why it seems like i've been trying so hard but nobody's responding. i wonder if that makes me some sort of outcast. i mean, for the lack of a better word, that is. or am i really?

i hope they don't feel bad about this. cos i know for certain that they're not doing it on purpose.
i just need to find a way to let them know. cos i love them. and i don't want to pull the usual defensive stunt on them: when i become indifferent.

it's affecting me more than i ever thought it would.
i'm just asking for help.
please help me.

love, ashley.

stylistics.

2005-11-24T07:38:00.000-08:00

the dress she wore
was torn.
right down the middle
till the crisp wind
stung the small
of her back.

her friends were
everywhere around her,
and yet none were-
there-
in the piercing brightness
of the spotlight,
she stood
alone.

face starkly white
with bleeding lips
of crimson,
gossamer wings
erupt the surface
of her
arched back.

the soul
is sucked back into
the numbed silhouette-
the shapeliness
of elegance
that love and passion
have forsaken
and
ravaged.

angel of god
my guardian dear:
to whom god's love
entrusts thee
here,
ever this day be
at my side,
to guide and light
to rule and guard-
amen.

love, ashley.

ps: i need you like water, like breath, like rain. i need you like mercy from heaven's gates. i need you.

My first blog (nobody's read)

2005-11-14T00:47:00.000-08:00

17 May 2004
my first blog. thanks to leonard.
Okay.. so here's me, one of the most unlikely people to actually do up a blog.. however, my friend leonard just asked me to do one, and somehow i didn't need much convincing. weird mood i guess. so i'll try now.Today. My parents left for London. School was as it always is. Soccer match!! MJ was up 2-0 for the first half.. but SA somehow managed to screw our team with a 3-2 score in the end. The guys were broken. The moment the last whistle blew, some of them literally fell to the ground and cried. It was sad. But they tried. Hard. So i guess that makes up for things. At least they're still in the league. Went out for dinner to Cafe Cartel with my darling friends Min and Marli. It's been sooo long since the three musketeers have been out together. Without awkwardness or inhibition. I love you two babes.Papa (grandad) picked me up from siglap at like 9.15 and drove me home. Gramps are staying with me for a week while my parents are away. Help take care of little laura. yep. hehe.. Raphael wrote me a poem. It's really sweet.

"Shall we dance?"
The wind whispered to her
as he ran teasing fingers
through her branches.
The ash curtsied deep,
tawny golden leaves
rustling shyly.

"If it so pleases you..."
And so they danced;
swaying, slowly swaying,
together beneath
the fading flames of the autumn sky.

-Shall we dance

Isn't that sweet. and the best thing about it is that i can imagine that the wind is anyone whom i might fancy.. hehe.. thank god for imagination eh? Hehe yep.. so that's about all that happened today. =)

here and gone.

2005-11-14T00:17:00.000-08:00

as we all are now, so i am
halfway across the shaky bridge;
a plank fallen, ropes unwinding-
sway me more.

as the years tantamount to
a great flurry of
white sheets, blurred prints
and scribbles,
and the tensions are
eased with binging
on sweets
and savoury.

dewy eyes are of no
significance
as the milk is mopped up
and the floor is clean again,
the cup refilled.

a tilted gleam of light
from a broken chandelier
casts its spell
on the darkness
and so flees Fear-
the last of the oracles
bred for the fight.

and now the battle is done
and neither side has won;
for all the soldiers are dead and gone
and the children
come out to play-
for fun.

love, ashley.

pulpitations

2005-10-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

it's 1.43 am.
i'm still sleepless, with a headache, and a weird singeing feeling in the chest.
my tummy is in a knot, and my heart seems to be doing a kind of war-dance.
i don't know what's wrong.
stress?
must be quite a lot.

i had a great day.
so why do i feel like this now?
i feel so strangely bad about so many things.
i feel quite inadequate- i can't be turning 18.
i'm supposed to be perfect when i do.
time has to stop.

my friends have been good around me.
they've made today so fab for me.
david's been good to me.
he's a darling- who wants to take care of me, real bad.

ouch.
my whole back is starting to ache.
a jack-hammer is at full blast in my head.
my joints are cold and achy too.
please don't let me fall ill now.

God, please be with me.
Carry me through.
I can't do this on my own.

Babes, thanks for being such dears.
I love you all much much.
All of you.

Love, ashley.

trashy tales.

2005-09-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

girly wonder about how we used to be, may have been if, if
not so much pride and insensitivity got in the way.
if, if, if-
there weren't any bins
would you leave me on the floor?

have i told you lately..?

2005-09-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes i'm left feeling more than alone.
i'm left right there-
hanging by that suspensive moment
made of the hope that you won't just excuse yourself
and go- like i don't need you.

like the caravan dreamers i wait for the past; i wait for the seep of eternal sunshine to serve me with the mirage of mem'ries that give light to my bleakness.

Without light there will be no shadows.

If you didn't bring me such happiness, maybe i wouldn't feel such sorrow.
I wish so many things for you now.
That i could make you smile, make you un-angry, make you secure, make you unsuspicious, make you not untrusting, make you want to find joy in me, make you certain of things, make you confident again.
Maybe that's the problem.
I try too hard.
I don't want to try. I want to do.

If you were king of vagabonds, I'd gladly be your queen.
Don't you see. All i want is someone to be myself with, no fear, no inhibition.
Someday, someday.

When Christmas comes this year, I want to give you a special gift.
It'll be a gift of love, of me.
A me that doesn't try so hard, who doesn't wish so much, who makes you so sure of me's love for you.
I don't know what it is yet.
But on Christmas, if you still want me then, I'll give it to you.

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
Oh but often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turns to night
Oh Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
Others just dream of
Others only read of the love that I love
See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Oh love love, you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of and others just read of and if you could see now well I'm almost finally out of and it's okay if you have go away just remember the telephone works both ways and if I never ever hear it ring if nothing else I'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else and that's okay cause I'll remember everything you sang you and I both loved what you and I spoke of and others just read of and if you could see now well I'm already finally out of words.

birds flying high.

2005-08-29T02:21:00.000-07:00

i held a bird that was alive and quickly it was dead.
in my hands it's tiny head tilted, lilted and it died.
i could have dropped it. but it's feathers were soft and silky still, veiling the ugliness of it's otherwise
dead
breathless
skeleton.
in the least, i've always disliked birds, at most, admired them from afar.
then one just had to come and die in my hands.
in my hands, a life was there and then gone.
this seemingly poignant scene does not play back as bittersweet in my mind, but instead with a warped sort of pitiful disgust.
it was beautiful.
but not in my hands.
it was still beautiful when it was dead.
but not in the haunting images that i keep remembering- its eyes, the convulsion.
all i wanted was to save it.
i don't like birds.
but this one was at my gate.
couldn't fly. i just wanted to give it fruit and water.
but it died.
i wonder if it wanted to die.
maybe it killed itself, bit it's own tongue and killed itself.
all because i carried this wild creature, and it thought it would never be free again.
bird, i hope you're free now.
dead bird, dead bird-
your name is
atticus.

intonation.

2005-08-20T01:34:00.000-07:00

sometimes the pitch and tone thunder above the whispering words.
the danger is that we often cannot control our intonation as much as we can be careful with our words.
inflections placed at the wrong junctures,
emphasis at the misjudged suspensive pause.
palates hard and soft take hard beating by the tongue.
our cavities are filled with polluted air-
poisonous frustration,
toxic impatience,
and we spark an angry inferno
with unexpected expectations.

i am a fool of sorts but not of many kinds.
i tread upon expressions
and wait to see what i will find.
but sometimes something lashes out
and i am duped out of surprise
that i can feel such ridicule
burning in your eyes.

velocity atrocity

2005-07-21T07:43:00.000-07:00

i am now frightfully more than half into the year 2005.
the A levels are in 109 days, it'll be in 108 tomorrow.
my life's quite a flurry like, in the words of 'America', a hurricane that's abandoned.

uncle matthew passed away this morning.
he's in heaven now, i believe, or will get there very soon.
Dear Lord, bless his family, Aunty Lucy, Cheryl, Christine, and Paula.
Make them strong and ever faithful in your love.

I can't believe it's friday tomorrow. I just remember it being friday like two days ago or something. Well, time is seeming to pass faster as i grow older.
Hectic schedules and frozen hearts.
Oh phmmft.
I shall go snuggle in my bed and read Harry Potter now.
Heh.

Love, ashley.

walk on by.

2005-07-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

this weekend has flown by.
i didn''t want it to end.
all i remember was looking forward to it so much.
and now it's over.
but it was beautiful.
i'm glad i could spend time with you, dave.

mum and dad are in bangkok.
laura's being good this time.
maybe cos we sleep on mum's bed at night.

i'm still tired.
aiya. i don't wanna go to school tomorrow la.
sick sick sick.
good thing it's a short day.

ah well, goodnight.

love, ashley.

i will be still.

2005-07-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

i felt a kind of loneliness today.
it was characteristically aloof, pleasurable, painful and swallowing.

i went to watch A Lot Like Love by myself.
it was an experience that was quite disturbing yet enjoyable.
i enjoyed my own company- me, alone with my thoughts.
plus point: the show was good.

every time i see you, all i want is to find the smile in your eyes.
the one that speaks to my soul and feeds it.
the one that you miss, and wish to feel spread across your face, stretching your lips, wrinkling your skin and twinkling in your eyes- that smile.

there's an ache coursing through my neck to the bottom of my head. my eyes sting and are awfully dry. i wonder what death feels like.

people don't get each other.
they can, but they don't take time to.
i can choose to try to understand you or not.
sometimes it's easy and sometimes it seems impossible.
but in the end, now, i do. i think.

rotiboy sells good bread.

love, ashley.

Kokomo.

2005-07-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

Aruba Jamaica
Ooh I wanna take you
Bermuda Bahama
Come on pretty mama
Key Largo Montego
Baby why don't we go
Jamaica
Off the Florida Keys
There's a place called Kokomo
That's where you wanna go
To get away from it all
Bodies in the sand
Tropical drink melting in your hand
We'll be falling in love
To the rhythm of a steel drum band
Down in Kokomo

I have come to realise a certain strangeness about people in love.
They always start to fight because they want each other's attention and/or even when they get it, their expectations are just not met. Then, they fight.
That exasperation, that short-fuse, that emotion metaphorically described as nails scraping against a chalkboard extinguishes all desire to admit affection for the other.
And yet, the root of the fight- sans all vulgarity or blind anger, is love.
Love, actually.
Disgusting isn't it? *grin*

At least when my parents fight- and they are actually in the midst of one now, I can finally understand a little bit of why they do it. I used to think all their fights were silly. Until now.
It's not that they don't love each other and therefore argue, but it is precisely because they love each other that they do. At least, for this reason..(mum thinks dad is putting his work before her, and is therfore feeling shunned and unwanted but dad just got a new post and is up to his neck with work and trying to adjust).

I hope they reach a compromise. Goodness. You think this is econs ash?
Ugh. But hey, it's true you know.
Compromise is good. In fact, it's fantastic.
You give some and you take some.
And here's a disclaimer: I am still trying to master this art of compromising.
Yeah ah well..

Julie's sending me sappy chinese songs. Tuo diao tuo diao!! Haha. *wink*

Love, ashley.

vindication

2005-07-07T06:11:00.000-07:00

i crave for you
and my hunger is irrepressible; and
it is this- this aching after you
that makes you so glorious, so revolting, so lacking.

the urge to draw blood
teases;
as the acrid smell of smolting ashes
of a life once lived
burns itself into
skin- naked and raw.

and yet my eyes delude me
as they let in
you- your nagging seduction
that turns my raging mind
into a frenzied passion,
that is fueled by
tranquil
calm
one
word
answers.

a tainted word
escapes
and it quivers alone
in the silence.
hush li'l baby don't you cry,
mother is sorry now
and will draw back her hand.

faults linger like ghosts
caught on negatives;
uncertain, wavering
shadows that clout
a candid smile.

forgive me:
you are forgiven,
but one always
fails
to erase the
scar
of a
wound
to the
bone.

Wild Horses

2005-07-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

I feel these four walls closing in

Face up against the glass

I'm looking out

Is this my life

I'm wondering

It happened so fast

How do I turn this thing around

Is this the bed I chose to make

It's greener pastures

I'm thinking about

Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair

To face the fear but not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you

Throwing caution to the wind

I'll run free too

Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to

I wanna run with the wild horses

Run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be

Riding bare-back, care-free along the shore

If only that someone was me

Jumping head-first, head-long

Without a thought

To act and down the consequence

How I wish it could be that easy

But fear surrounds me like a fence

I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair

To face the fear, but not feel scared

Recklessly emboundening myself before you

I wanna open up my heart

Tell you how I feel

Wild horses I wanna be like you

Throwing caution to the wind

I'll run free too

Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to

I wanna run with the wild horses

Run with the wild horses

and now i reminisce-

the feelings of longing and passion and pain

borne of a simple complex fondness.

and who ever thought that myriad of peaked emotions

was only derived from having a crush

no, it continues-

right into being in love.

the longing the passion the pain.

they never leave.

in fact they become so strong they

move right into you-

as if they had always been intrinsic patterns

in the walls of your heart.

yeah, so the mids are over.

and... it's screwed.

o-bla-di-o-bla-da.

i've done the best i have ever done for econs.. wrote quite a good history essay on the French Revolution i feel, but then again- what's the use. I only finished half the bloody paper anyway.

this year is so stifling.

i feel like i'm really going to be zonked after a while.

maybe, it's all a huge trick.

they get you to study so hard for the A levels that when it's all over,

your brains are too fried to work and you just become a stoner.

then where's the fun?

it's all a conspiracy i tell you..

they don't want us to have fun.

i'm going on a strike.

*raises placard*

-"hello darkness my old friend, i've come to talk with you again"-

school hours are long now.

sick, sick i say.

ah, but maybe i'll get into the hang of being around paper, stationery and notes, and things'll flow? maybe i'll be a nerd.

like, a cool nerd. ha.

ah, *toot*.

i can't ever be a nerd even if i wanted to.

i'll just shut up now and go blow bubbles in the shower.

love, ashley.

sleep tight, may angels hover over you.

2005-06-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

this afternoon, while i was attending mass something overcame me and i freaked out. well, i didn't really freak out, it was a nice kinda warm mushy fuzzy kinda freak out. there were children all around me.. and this angel of a little girl in front of me was in her mother's arms, with her chin on her mummy's shoulder, looking straight at me, and she kept smiling this cheeky smile that made her eyes twinkle and cheeks dimpled. and the kids at the back of me were gorgeous too, but a tad bit too rowdy.
the thing that 'freaked' me out was that i felt such a strong want to have a kid.
there and then.
and i was pondering on the joys of motherhood, and the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth and all those mummy mummy thingamajigs.
and i was also thinking that the daddy part of the whole mummy thing is really a feel good thing too.
i mean, for me, it feels good to know that the daddy would also be filled with so much warmth and fuzz when seeing his child and looking at his wife carrying their baby.
awww... man.
if i were a mummy, i'd sing my babe to sleep everynight.
i'd look on in awe as she/he rests in slumber in the tiny cot, framed with drapy delicate silk netting, and a dragonfly mobile dangling over the bed, dancing slowly in circles to the soft airy baby is sleeping kind of music.
i'd hold my baby's hand, the tiny fingers clasped around my comparatively rough and vulgar finger.
i'd stroke my baby's head, soft and fine strands of hair brushing against my hand.
i'd breathe in the scent of baby-ness, and as a mother, i'd smell different too.
i'd have a motherly scent to me.
it might be a powdery scent, with hints of milk, and honeysuckle, and camomile, amd lavender.
my husband will have a freshness of pride in him, and his touch will be as tender and loving as it could ever be.
he'll look at our baby with adoring eyes, and bend over to kiss her tiny forehead, and he'll say daddy's here, sleep tight, may angels hover over you.

love, ashley

daydream believer and a homecoming queen.

2005-06-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

*stars may fall for you
and i would die for you*

babe, it's alright.. just another week.. yeah, i keep telling myself that.

it's such an awful torn feeling when you know your exams are around the corner and you have so much to catch up on, but your mum wants to take you out the whole day on a shopping spree and girly treatment day.

i went for a manicure and had my eyebrows trimmed today.
my nails are now pretty with a lilac pink on them.
i shopped like a mad prisoner newly freed.
bought a whole gipsy's wardrobe.
crazy.
mum was in a very good shopping mood today.
we both went beserk in far east.
but..
i lost a shopping bag.
the one that contained my drama outfit i bought for the exam.
i was so upset.
i searched the entire third level THREE times.. so much so that the shopkeepers smiled politely but in exasperation when i approached them repeatedly to ask if they've seen my 'hot pink Series paper bag'.
finally gave up hope after like an hour plus of desperate looking.
went to Pete's Place for dinner with a glum face.
Dad met us there and asked, 'why the gloomy face?' although he already knew why cos a fuming mad mummy had told him on the phone before dinner.
he pitied me though, i must have looked quite upset with eyes watery and sad..
i mean, the bag did contain 75 dollars worth of scrunchy material you know..
so after dinner he gave me some money and said, here go buy yourself another set.
*grin*
i only took 50 though.. felt bad if i took more, so i paid for the top from my own pocket, in which there is now a huge hole. actually, it's more like, i don't have a pocket anymore.
so yeah.. bleah..

well, i miss my babe.
but i'm glad there's only a week left.
and i might, just might, get to see him on thursday.

to all those who've been around to comfort me, thank you.
i love you all!

love, ashley.

trace the patterned stars.

2005-06-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

i don't want to sound melancholy
about you going into the army
but to say i'm coping well would be a blasphemy of truth

i don't know why i'm so frightened
i think it's because i don't know what to expect
it's the konwledge that i can't just call or msg or see you whenever i like
it's scaring myself with the thought that you'll just stop loving me
cos you don't see me as often

but just remember to look into the sky
the stars
the darkness
i'll be there, i'll be looking
for you.

it'll be alright.
we'll still be together at the end.
i'll always be your babe.
you'll always be mine.

smile, dave.

cos i love you.

love, ashley.

girl, interrupted.

2005-05-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

Love- it is to BE for someone, not just be there for someone.

Thank you for letting me love you.
Thank you even more for loving me.

The past week has been the worst and best week in all my seventeen years.
Worst because of what i had to do and its repercussions.
Best because of what i learnt from it all: that you love me- for sure.
now i really know it.
if you didn't, you wouldn't still be with me.
you wouldn't try so hard to swallow what i said, what i've done, whatever happened.
it takes courage
it takes kindness
it takes patience
it takes selflessness
it takes real love
you have them all.
and you give them to me so willingly.
thank you.
i love you too.
i really do.

to all my friends who were there for me, comforting me, taking care of me..
thank you. so so so much.
i love you all.
it's the small things la.. the messages.. the shy telephone calls to check if i'm okay..
haha.. you're all sweet.

now, let's support each other in the hour of mugging aight?
haha.
can la, right?
c'mon girls, we can do it!
(i'm trying to convince myself too lah)

hehe.

love, ashley.

huff puff.

2005-05-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

no more 2.4 ever again.
Wahooo!
but please don't let me be a MAX Meridian.
Please, please, please.

i was curiously annoyed at a certain teacher today.
i guess it might have been a build up.
is it just me or has he been a tad ruder than usual?
i think it's the latter.

porky's weather report obviously did not come true today.
'thunder storm in the late morning to the afternoon.'
thanks ah porks.. made us happy for a while only.
haha.
okay la, at least Napfa's all over and done with aye.
Floorball, here we come?

Today was ultra tiring.
Lessons, the run, tuition.
Now i'm brain dead, but i still have a darn pile to do.
Stop blogging and go and do your work ashley.
*grimace*

Love, ashley.

Grass-patches.

2005-05-09T04:52:00.000-07:00

Yours is on the right side of the pavement. With lalang.
Mine is the left side, smoother, with trees.

There is a box, in your head.
It is called - 'Whatever Ashley says but I don't hear properly, and so I'll put the words together myself and think it's right' box. *wink*
I'd like to name it the "Whatever Ashley says is right the way I hear it and think it' box.
Oooh yes.. that's a name i like. *push you on the lalangy grass patch*

Okay, so i know i was a little crazy just now. JUST a little.
Heh.
Thanks for the fruit juice allowance.
I love sugarrrr.
I also think you did yourself a favour.
I probably would have pounced on you or something if I didn't get any sugar soon enough.
Or i could have just whined the whooooole way home.
*muahahaha*

My face isn't sweaty anymore, so it isn't salty to the kiss. Ha.
But if you let me eat sugar again, it might be sweeter. *HINT HINT*
Wahahaha.
Okay la, i'll try and live up to the challenge.
DISCIPLINE, man.
yeahhh....
haii!(the constipated sound)

my little toe hurts.
left foot.
nail got crushed.
owie.

i got bitten by RED ANTS!!!!!
HUGE BIG ONES!!!
i hate them i hate them i hate them!!!
i screamed in the taxi cos they gave me a fright.
SO MANY !!! on my leg.
eww.

i love everyone who loves me. sounds selfish right. but yah what, i do.
and i also love whoever i can love. =)

love, ashley.

sun-drowned summers.

2005-05-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

i will go away, soon.
from this life i lead.
to a new ancient place that is golden and blue and red and green.
i will take with me only those that i need, and leave everyone else behind in my would be past-life.
nothing will worry or upset me that is not worth my cares.
i will run a quaint flower shop and name it after my dream daughter.
i will go home to a beach cottage with white washed walls and sky blue window panes.
i will cook pasta with sun-dried tomatoes, rosemary, basil, peppers and olive oil for supper.
i will pour me a glass of sauvignon-blanc and do a bottoms up the first time.
i will run the hot water into the tub and add lavender oil into it.
i will light tea candles around it and listen to old jazz.
i will wait for him to come home to me, and i will rub his tired shoulders.
i will dress in a cream satin slip, and don a laced robe.
i will make him his dinner of dory and thyme, and comfort him with warm and creamy 'tatoes.
i will go outside to the patio and lean against the railing looking out to the sunset, a fireball drowning in a wave of turquoise.
i will breathe the salty air, crisp and cool.
i will expect him to come from behind, kiss my neck and say 'i missed you'.
i will turn around, and put my arms around his waist, and rest my head against his chest.
i will tell him 'i love you' and wish he would make love to me.
i will live like that, everyday, like that.
i will.
i will.
i will.

love, ashley.

a whole pregnancy term..

2005-05-03T23:02:00.000-07:00

if an ovum should have been fertilised with a single sperm on the 3rd of august 2004,
a baby should have been born by today. (weird analogy, but hey.. haha)

9 months.
and indeed, all of which i have encountered is paralelled to a pregnancy.
the trimesters. (the different periods of our r/s)
the getting used tos.
the frivolous joy that exudes.
the pains.
the discomfort.
the sleepless nights.
the heaviness.
the excitement.
the anticipation.
the fears.
the hopes.
the speculation.
the feelings.
the radiance.
the beauty.
the sanctity.
the fullness.
the sacrifice.
the patience.
the love.
the yous.
the mes.
the us.

9 months now baby,
and still there's freshness and surprises, smiles and affection, all these things that make me feel like i'm falling in love all over again everyday- with you.

even on the days where we don't see eye to eye, it still all boils down to -us.
we tolerate, we wait, we reconcile, we make-up, we love even more.
i love that you love me.
i love you too.
with all i've been, am, and will ever be.

--^-@

well now.. today was ban mian and dai dee and charades day.
we did the amazing race to the airport, which of course, ehem, the attached won this time, hehe.
ban mian was deeelicious. i ate till i couldn't balance properly. felt like a fat teletubby. gawd.
then we adjourned to T1 BK and sat at the corner to hide the naughty gamblings of the daidee championship ah sohs. *wink*

we had fun decorating porky's white canvas cheapo (haha..) shoes the whole of today.
liz did a slightly suicidal one, but it turned out happier in the end la..
julie and mei mei and i did a happy cheery one. haha. too much so perhaps. i mean, porky's not that nice is she? (looks down to avoid porky's glare now)

david came and half-surprised me at BK.. i kinda knew yo uwere coming la babe.. haha. but it did surprise me in a way.
i threw a tantrum on the way home.
cos somebody wanted to meet me at 5pm when i end school at like 1.15. hmph.
but ah well, everything's all set now aye? hehehe.
disclaimer: nobody's ear drums were hurt during my tantrum throwing. but i do take full responsibility for any bruises on david's arm. er, no i did not abuse him.. too badly.

yup, well it's been a happy day i suppose.
i love all of you.

love, ashley.

wishlist!

2005-05-01T01:48:00.000-07:00

gawdy-gawd..
i want so many things.
here're summa them:

1) lava lamp!!!
2) pretty twiney flower lights ( Lim's @Holland V)
3) frame for my dragonfly masterpiece
4) a funky mirror to hang on my wall (ikea?)
5) white linen pants from giordano (30% off all bots. quick! quick!)
6) beady anklet. not silver.
8) ipod U2 edition.
9) a new mobile phone...
10) oil burner. (mummy threw out my pretty elephant one, dang!)
11) cotton wool
12) heels.
13) proper track shoes.
14) 'oh that's a damn pro lookin' kinda camera (inspired by julia roberts in 'closer')
15) a facial.
16) full body massage.. just get rid of those damn stress knots
17) something from Miss sixty. i like that glittery purple half sweater thing.
18) swimsuit. why don't they fit nicely?
19) a tan.
20) kayaking kakis.
21) new bras..
22) boyshorts & brazilians.
23) hairless limbs.

well, i could go on and on..

love, ashley.

2005-04-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

Looockk a byyee Ah-meeh

2005-04-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

greenies, whities...

i've got a crush, my baby on you.

2005-04-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

it's a hinky-dinky feeling.

the flutters in my tummy
the hot surge of blood through my veins
the flushing of my cheeks
the quickened heart beat.

oh, you dazzle me
your smile enthralls me
your scent swims in the waters of my paradise
your voice like sugar on my tongue.

love, ashley.

and so it is..

2005-04-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

And so it is

Just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me

Most of the time

And so it is

The shorter story

No love, no glory

No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes...

And so it is

Just like you said it should

We'll both forget the breeze

Most of the time

And so it is

The colder water

The blower's daughter

The pupil in denial..

Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to

Leave it all behind?

It's not so much the words of the song but the melancholy tune to it that makes it a beautiful and almost accurate portrayal of my abstract feelings.

My life- so far.

and so it is.. days just gone by, time hurtling past, like a fast-forwarded tape.

this is when i'm so caught up in everything, everyone, everywhere.

it's all a blur, speeches slur..

and i don't know where i'm heading or what i'm doing things for.

most of me is made up of feelings.

i feel for everything, i guess that's why i can put a tune to everything around me.

but. i realise that i don't know half of what i'm feeling.

i wish i could tell you how much i feel.

but i can't. i don't know how.

i might have to make up a melody to let you know.

words are too limiting. they make me nervous.

if i knew how, i would sing you a song without words, maybe that would do.

i wish i could draw. i'd draw you.

love, ashley.

stupid things..

2005-04-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

now that i've cooled down and am in a more rational state of mind,
i believe i owe someone an apology for that outburst in my now deleted blog.
i'm sorry, for being so harsh and rude.
for all it's worth, i am.
believe it or not, it's up to you.

there are many things still very unclear to me at this juncture, thoughts about why this and that.. but actually, it doesn't matter to me now.
all i want is for my friends to be happy, and be able to pull through this year in as sane a manner as possible.. even if sometimes in order to remain sane, we have to go a little insane.

i now step out of the whole friendship picture (that concerning certain persons) and will remain out of it. i'm not needed there and so i'll take my nose out of it. my definition of friendship may differ from others, so maybe i don't have the right to judge.

i'll forever be around for my precious ones (who really have truly become precious to me over these few short weeks) julie, liz, and the piggies, and if ever any one of them needs someone to fall back on, they can be sure that i'll be there. a classmate, a friend, a sister, a mother?

let's forget this whole thing, or at least, i will. it's become blown out of proportion, and has caused unnecessary strain on the class's reputation and relationship with one another.
i'll just continue being me, and if you want to talk to me you can, if not then it's fine by me too.
i shouldn't have judged so harshly, but forgive me, i was angry.

the most important thing to me now is that the ones i care about be happy too.
liz, don't be upset anymore okay?
love you!
we'll look forward to more hilarious days, ban mian, katong laksa, gelare waffles and ice cream.. yum!

love, ashley.

what a difference a day makes.

2005-04-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

it was fun.
the sun, the sea, the sand, the tent, the rain, the leaks, the slosh, the wetness, your face, your smile, your wanting to make me happy.

i love you more and more.

last night was really fun.
bernie cracked up, you cracked up, i cracked up.
her sister's so cute. stephanie.
nice house too.

the sitting on the bench at the park was.. special.
it was so special. like nothing could come between us.
if love can be felt, i felt it last night.
you angel.

thanks for today.
don't think it was crap.
i loved it.
every part of it.
really.
thank you.

i'm moving in two days.
i think i'll miss this house.
oh well.

love, ashley.

8 months honey.

2005-04-02T23:56:00.000-08:00

It's been 8 months now.
And i'm still so in love with you.
It's been lovely. Difficult but lovely.
I love you.

There's something wrong with him..
why can't he see how much he's hurting her,
hurting them?
Blinded by the world and it's evils.
Family. Your family. They need you.
Don't abandon them like that.
They are too precious.
Please.. please.
God have mercy.
Touch him.

True love.
Isn't that what's supposed to supercede any hardship or temptation?
Marriage. True love. Remember your vows..
It makes me afraid.
How people can change.. how i could change.
No, no.
Don't change for the worse.
Not you, not me.
Please.

Love, ashley.

she will be loved.

2005-03-31T05:18:00.000-08:00

in the shroud of darkness she
kneels, alone and trembling
wet face and damp clothes
hair plastered down to her
white scalp

helpless babe
once loved
never shown
hopeless babe
heart-broken
spirit burnt

look up, look
up and see
the face of an
angel
an angel that
breathes in you
freshness of life
that renews
your expired soul.

hold out your
hand
cold and thin
weak and passive
put them in
my pocket
warm and deep
and feel my hand
slide in with yours
and our fingers
are entwined
into vines of
blood flowing
through the
arteries
busy gushing
like the streets
that have rejected
you.

i would rather fight with you than make love with someone else.

2005-03-31T03:39:00.000-08:00

i went a little mad today and so i had to get out of school.
i ran out.
went to the pasir ris polyclinic and waited an hour and a half to see the doc. thank god he was cute or i'd have been fuming. =p hehe. (dave, i'm kidding)

my darling met me there and then, we went to tampines mall to catch 'The Wedding Date'.
Very sweet movie.
dave wanted to buy his pirated game and so we walked to one of the small shops under the HDB blocks.
he got mistaken as the shop uncle by some primary school kid. wahahahaha.
bought some racing game. which he then left in my bag and i had to get off the bus to return it to him. aiyo.

we went to pasir ris park and had a romantic time in the rain, which happened to be quite irritating but he insisted it was nice.. but it was a good time. i enjoyed it. thank you for today. i love you. you gave in to me so much. i don't love you for that, i mean, i do but that's not the main reason why i love you dave. =)
you're so cute. (okay all you others, stop rolling your eyes and feeling nauseus i'll stop)

it seemed a very very long way home.
i got on and off so many buses. ahaha. adventure of the day.
some sac junior said hi on 17. didn't know who she was though. dearie me.
girl, whoever you are, i'm sorry but i really can't rmb you. you look nice though.

it's TGIF tmr.. yippee!

i feel better now.
i just had to get off the monotonous routine of school. urgh.
but thanks again dave, you made my day a whole lot better. really you did.
i felt genuinely happy today. tired, but happy.

dee and ly..
thanks for helping me out today.
love you all very much.
i love my friends, really i do.
joolie, lizzy,porky, pig pig, ame, mandy.. you guys are the best classmates.
min and marli.. i miss you guys. i'll try and talk more often k?
min, i'm a lost beaver, but i'll try to build a home again. might not be as stable, but i'll try k.

love, ashley.

everybody but nobody was..

2005-03-29T04:52:00.000-08:00

i don't know why i felt so shit today.
i felt like i had nobody although everybody was around me.
i felt like david didn't care anymore although he does.
i felt everyone would rather be with everyone else but me.

i don't know why.
i didn't like it.
i didn't want to feel it.
but i did.

i wanted to scream and yell, throw a tantrum.
but i couldn't be taken seriously.
i don't know how to throw a tantrum they say,
i need to be more angry, more serious, more bitchy.
but, why? i feel those things..
i even felt sad enough to tear when i was moping on the phone to david.

but what's up with me?
why do i feel like that when i have no need to?
maybe i'm going stupid.
maybe the screw in my head finally jolted out of place after hanging loose for so long.
i don't know.

maybe i miss my friends.
maybe i feel like i've lost some of them
i think i have.
i'm sorry i have.
but i have.

you know the feeling when you start to think that everyone's just being nice to you because they're supposed to be?
and you start to get suspicious of every damn person who says, 'it's alright, i'm here..'?
it's scary you know.
cos when you start thinking that way then hope starts etching it's way out of your reach and when there's no hope, there's no life. for me, at least.
i always need hope, something to look forward to, something to pull me through my week.
no matter what, i need that motivation.
i felt lost just now, like i was just an empty being, wandering about the day without any purpose at all.
i need purpose.
i think i do have some purpose- my loves, my craves, my desires, my wants, my needs- you know, the things that i have to somehow fulfil..
but i just kinda lost it just now.
my breath was sucked out of me, and i felt helpless.
and everybody but nobody was there.

i'm not sure i'm a good enough friend.
or girlfriend.
or daughter.
or sister.
or to-be fiancee.
or to-be wife.
or to-be mom.
or to-be grandma.
or to-be dead person.
no, i'm not good enough.
i have to find out what's missing.
why? why do i always feel so goddamn inadequate, and then feel bitter about things and people around me.
why am i so insecure now?
why can't i be strong and live my life the way i see it?
why?
why must i depend so much?
why do i hurt inside for reasons that i conjure up in my wonked mind?
i don't know what i'm talking about.
i'm just thought-retching.

i hate the part of me that's so possessive.
i hate it when i'm jealous.
i hate it when i'm so insecure.
i shouldn't be.
it's not me.
then why?
what happened to the girl who let everything slide and was so laid back?
what happened to that carefree personality?
that girl..
she's gone..
that girl, she's me..
i'm gone..
i'm gone?

it can't be.. it's Change.
Love changes you.
it envelopes you.
it crushes you,
but lets you soar.
it's lovely to love,
it's lovelier to be loved.
but why does my love for you make me like that?
it's jealous, it's selfish.
bad, bad, bad.

*mutter mutter*

love, ashley.

sizzle hiss pop!

2005-03-28T20:26:00.000-08:00

heartburn..
oh, the painful singe in the chest.
i couldn't have dinner.
i think it's cos i napped too long.
i woke up feeling worse than i did when i went to sleep.
i must stop sleeping in the afternoons.
the naps make me restless and moodless.
i wake up and don't feel like doing anything at all.

it's second orientation week.
this batch of yellers don't seem to be as enthusiastic as the previous.
quite lifeless they look - and sound.
i guess maybe cos O2 isn't as hyped up as the first one.
who knows lah..

i passed history.
i got 12 and 13. which is quite a good improvement from any other exam.
phew. hopefully i can keep it up yah.

my mood has been really wonky.
maybe it's the hormones.
i'm having a heavier-than-usual period. (excuse me, guys.)
i'm not extra pissy or throwing my weight about.. just that i feel sudden bouts of sadness
or 'i don't wanna do anything at all anymore' attacks.
the lit teachers were very pissy today.
we did badly i guess.
hopefully, not too bad.
oh boy.
i really should be doing my history, but i bloomin lost the paper so i can't.
why is it that whenever i plan to work, something always doesn't work for me?
it is annoying.

in about a week, it would be our 8th month anniversary for david and i.
amazing, really.
i never dreamt of being with someone for so long and yet still enjoy and crave his attention, and care and love and all those thingamajigs.
well, dave.. in the words of bryan adams,
'please forgive me i know not what i do, please forgive me, i can't stop loving you.'

tokyo allergy.

2005-03-16T11:41:00.000-08:00

it's the pollen that's flying around.
everyone is getting hay fever and falling ill blah..
i'm woozy too.

beep. beep.

hais.. i want to go home.
but i don't want block tests.

i miss..

love, ashley.

mushi mushi..

2005-03-13T19:30:00.000-08:00

In room 522 of the Grand Hyatt, Roppongi Hills, Tokyo.
Using dad's laptop.
He's out for a business lunch.
Mom's out shopping.
Laura's with me. She's drawing.

Why I ain't out shopping? Well, i have block tests don't i. Dammit.
Laura just hates walking- except if it's at some toy store.

I miss you Dave.. I spent last night in my room by myself cos Laura decided to cry and make sure she gets to sleep with mom.
I cried. Cos I felt very alone. heh.
But only for a while aye..
I watched Bad Boys 2 till i fell asleep.
Couldn't study.
It made me go crazy and cry again.

I wish i was telepathic.

I'm looking round for presents for all of you.
But everything is so bloomin expensive.
You can't get three bowls of ramen without exceeding your 40 dollar budget!
And that's just lunch. They mark up prices at dinner.
Geez...

It's been freezing here. IT SNOWED YESTERDAY!!
Tomorrow is 'onsen' day.
We're going up to Nigata (where all the snow is)..
onsen- hotspring.
Soaky soaky...
Hehe.
we're staying a night there at a nice hotel..
coming back to tokyo city wednesday.
we're giving up 520.. my room.
so when we get back we might have to shift rooms. or at least, i do.

shumimasen- excuse me

domo arigato- thank you

arigato gozaimas- thank you very much?

chotto matte- wait a moment

momento- give me a moment

haha.. yep.

food's damn delicious.
i think i've become fatter.
urgh.
walkie walkie
right.. i've gotta go and start studying now.

love, ashley.

it's all for you.

2005-03-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

it's hard to say
what it is i see in you
wonder if i'll always
be with you
words can't say
and i can't do
enough to prove
it's all for you.

love, ashley.

can't smile without you.

2005-03-09T05:27:00.000-08:00

'you know i can't smile without you.
can't smile without you.
i can't laugh and i can't sing
i'm finding it hard to do anything.
you see i feel sad when you're sad,
i feel glad when you're glad..
if you only knew what i'm going through,
i just can't smile without you.

you came along,
just like a song
and brightened my days..'

it's so true.
i think about a day where i can't just pick up the phone and call you, to hear you on the other side of the line, or to meet you somewhere, sometime, someplace..
and i just.. brink on going berserk, and struggle to shake off the feeling.

it's horrible.
i don't ever want to find you not there.
please, don't ever be 'not there'.
need need need.
want want want.
want to need, need to want.
please, just be there.

7 months and 6 days. (and still counting)
it's the longest relationship i've ever seen through.. and it's still going oh-so-strong.
yayness!
i love you.
i've never been grossed out by you, which is like the record.. cos usually i'll find something about the guy to get yucked out by.
i've never felt like letting you go cos it's easier that way. i would be mad.
you've never not crossed my mind at least once every hour that i'm awake everyday.
you've never made me feel stupid, or look it.
you've never not called at night for the past 7 months and 6 days. (just excuse the next week.)
i will think about you and miss you till i cry when i'm in japan.
that, i can assure you, cos even now when i'm still here,
every time i think about the eight days that i can't hear your voice, see you or touch you,
my heart sinks and my eyes brink with tears.
silly me?
nah.. i'm just needing you.
and i mean, it has been 7 months and 6 days of 'no-matter-what-i'll-talk-to-you-tonight'.

i promise you i will be thinking about you all the time.
i think i might even start to cry when i'm alone in the hotel room mugging.
i'll think of you even when i go to disneyland.
i'll think of you and say a prayer and hope you can feel it before i go to sleep everynight.
i hope that we'll think of each other at the same time a lot.
i hope we can feel it.
*i'm crying already*

oh dear. hais..
i will really miss you.
i'm half regretting about the trip now.
i'm sorry i didn't listen.
ohh.. urgh.

i sound like i'm leaving for a whole year or something.
my, i can't imagine if i am..
but really, i will miss you.
8 days.
but at least i get to see you immediately on sunday. 19th.
sister's party aye?

i love you.
love me too.

(Dee and I had a great time at the airport today. we both cracked up. haha. ash and her dentist adventures aye. hehe. sshh!)

love, ashley.

i've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..

2005-03-08T04:15:00.000-08:00

=) muahaha.

i am going mad.
no, i already am.

hey look, 'mad' with an 'am' at the bottom looks like a disjointed 'madam'.
mad
am.
hehe.
oh dear.
mad mad mad.

lollipop, lollipop.. *smackers*
hmm..
happiness comes from a lot of things really..

bogged bogged bogged down by work work work.
why do we say we work to live when actually, it's like, we live to work.
urgh.

gotta go.
trying to be a mugger.
failing quite miserably.
*specs on*

love, ashley.

nothingness is when i don't know you're there for me.

2005-03-05T06:32:00.001-08:00

i was ignorant today.
ignorance led to insensitivity.
and then some..

i'm sorry.
i'll make it up to you somehow alright.

love, ashley.

mirror mirror.

2005-03-05T06:32:00.000-08:00

Non Sense ?

2005-02-28T06:40:00.000-08:00

Non.
Sense.
Nonsense.
It's newspeak in itself. (to all you 1984 fans out there)

I go through nonsense everyday.
I speak it, think it, feel it, even taste it (credit goes to MJC's canteen).
I started meowing today.
except that it wasn't quite meowing, it was- waaorwing.
haha..

love, ashley

2005-02-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

darling pups fell asleep chewing his bone.

2005-02-23T22:33:00.000-08:00

my not-so-much-of-a puppy jake now at five months.

2005-02-23T22:31:00.000-08:00

my puppy jake at two months.

2005-02-23T22:29:00.000-08:00

christmas '04 baby livvy and che che ash.

2005-02-23T22:28:00.000-08:00

funky livvy.look'a'dat!

happy birthday baby.

2005-02-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

happy birthday baby.
i love you.
my parents do too.

haha.
yay.
dave's coming over for dinner again tonight.
we're getting a small cake.
mom's cooking dinner.
and buying extra i think.
=) grin grin grin.

it's so nice to know my parents are alright with him.
happiness only. hehe.

yeah, well there's no school today cos school's closed for cleanup.
tomorrow's opening ceremony for MJC.
god, it's such a hassle.
gotta sit at the third floor dance area just to gurad food for 6 freakin hours!
i mean, COME ON!!!
who in the world rehearses that?
horrid horrid system.
luckily company was good.
mandy and i were playing hopscotch.
i think i'll go find my five stones. hehe.

well, last sunday turned out well.
went to hua yu wee to eat.
poor dave was so nervous.
it's alright now hun..

went to watch Hide and Seek yesterday.
the twist (which i shall not divulge so that you can go watch it) is fantastic i thought.
yep. dakota fanning is a talented but freakish girl.

love, ashley.

lovefools.

2005-02-16T01:05:00.000-08:00

i lalalalurve you!

I feel the energy surging in again, from
the pain in my foot, to the
weird cracking pain in my
collarbone.
ouch.
but it's alright, now
i feel like me again, although
a little more pukey.
hehe.

But whaddaheck?
Daddy's going to buy me
aero mint chocolate that's so bubblelicious and
a pretty journal from london.
yep yep.
oh.. i need another dose of anti-nausea.
*breathes in- holds- breathes out (gags)*

love, ashley.

sick sicker sickest.

2005-02-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

Bleagh...
This annoying nauseating feeling is planted at the pit of my stomach.
I want to vomit. I can't.
Hardly eaten anything since yesterday morning.
I've lost 3kg.. mostly water i think.
Had to go to the doctor's twice.
Once for purging, another for fever.
Wanted to lose consciousness so I wouldn't feel so bad.
Mum and Dad have a wedding dinner to attend on saturday.
I'm hoping David can come over on sunday instead.
I feel so unmotivated to do anything at all.
Dad hasn't called from London yet.
Wonder what they're doing in school now.
Everybody is vomitting and purging.
Samuel's sick too.
Oh well.
Think I'll take another dose of anti-nausea pills.
I hardly have felt comfortable recently.
Sitting up is nauseating, lying down is worse, standing makes me giddy.
I want to try and float, but going to the pool would make me sicker.
Last night was hellish.
I felt really cold so i slept without the air-con.
Was awoken by Dave's call at 10.30.
Felt awfully hot then.
Switched on the air-con, tried to go back to sleep.
Couldn't.
Tried to call Dave but he didn't answer.
Finally drifted into half-slumber.
Stupid mosquito kept buzzing in my ear.
Tossed around till 4am. Mummy came into the room.
Finally slept soundly till about 8.30.
Laura came in to check my temperature.
Hers was 38.5.
Mine was 37.1. Woohoo. No more fever.

Love, ashley.

I believe in miracles.. ooh sexy thing.

2005-02-13T05:45:00.000-08:00

Miracles do happen.
One just did.
My parents have invited David over for dinner this coming saturday.
Oh my. Oh my.
Aaaaaaahhhhh.
They were in an oddly good mood today at dinner.
Suddenly all these questions about David.
Aiyiyiyiyi.
Then, Mom's like 'why don't you ask him to come over for dinner?'
Ash: *mouth gaping* Err, what?
Dad:'Yar, why didn't he come over and bai nian?'
Ash: Cos... you wouldn't have allowed it?
Dad: Aiyar, Chinese new year what..
Ash: Really..?
Dad: Yar, and how come you didn't go over to his place?
Ash: Erm, cos you wouldn't have liked it?
Dad: Go say hi to auntie Geraldine lar..
Ash: *feeling woozy* err.. right..

Yeah.. so anyway.. after a whole bout of teasing and joking..
dad strikes a deal. If i set up his camera onto his laptop, David's invited for dinner on saturday.
Easy.
Too easy..
But oh my.. I do hope things will be okay.
Please God oh please..

Oh, and I think i'm falling ill. NOOOOOO!!!
I still feel like playing si ki puek. Four Cards. Fun Fun Fun.
Dad wanted to challenge me to that game.
If i won twice out of five times David could come over.
Haha. But i managed to convince him to scrap the idea.
Hee.

Love, ashley.

run! run! as fast as you can! you can't catch me i'm the gingerbread man!

2005-02-07T05:49:00.000-08:00

ladidaa..
i was naughty today.
zoomed into school zoomed out.
was walking up to class.
saw mandy, ame, and puppy sitting outside the LT.
they were planning an escape, and i was soon going to be part of the escape team.
up 53.
phonecalls.
amei's house.
cup noodles, orange soda, butter cake, chicken chipolatas.
polar express.
poly clinic.
mcdonald's.
watsons.
(in between, touring bedok interchange)
home.
tanning, swimming.
dinnering.
walking jake.
lil einstein can go off leash for a bit.
stays on command and won't move till you say 'come'.
=D
ate sweetened orange slices.
they made me happy.
dad went to dunman road for supper.
i'm home now.
not going to school tomorrow.
CNY, ang pows.. new phone. =)

love, ashley.

neverneverland?

2005-02-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

i went to watch 'finding neverland again last night.
brought lil looby (laura) out for dinner at cartel and then hung around TM waiting till 9.45 for david to arrive and meet us for the movie.
SUPER DeDUPER!
it's really a great show.

Got an econs test tmr. HAIYA.
gotta try and pass.. cos Mr Lee promised to bring our class out on a boat trip if we all pass.
just gotta pay for petrol. hee!
yep yep.

well, gotta go now. in the words of dave chapelle,
'zip it up and zip it out.. zipadee doo dah, bye bye!'

surprise baby!!

2005-02-03T01:08:00.000-08:00

i ran out of school early today.
had to make it to bugis by 1.15.
lunch with david.
but i told him someone else was going to meet him.
hehe.
went to breko's. nice.
had a baked potato.
and a BLT sandwich.
we shared.

love, ashley.

six months honey, and still hopelessly devoted to you.

2005-02-02T06:04:00.000-08:00

we're hitting six months in two hours now.
i love you a lot, i love you even more.

so. rough 6 months it's been.
hopefully it'll smoothen out aye.
i'm lovin' it.. the time with you.
well, besides my parents being difficult,
everything else has been great hasn't it?

people, it's 6 months. it's a record. for me at least.
*grin* see.. i can commit!
hehe.. and it doesn't take much of me to devote myself completely to you.. cos,
'in the mornin' when i rise,
you bring a tear of joy to my eyes
and tell me everything's gonna be alright..
and even though we ain't got money,
i'm so in love with you honey,
cos everything's all about love....'

*haiya!* i just called you but you're not free! hmph!
*pouts, goes to a corner and squats.*

love, ashley.

ohwww... what's going on now?

2005-02-02T05:38:00.000-08:00

David bought me the loveliest x'mas prezzies.
A dragonfly ring! (i can now officially be a dragonfly fairy princess cos now i have a ring that has invested me as her royal highness, princess ashley onviagra thorny lemmehaveu.) muahaha!
and a gorgeous glam dangly earring that's just to be worn on one side. chic.
i love'em. they make me look pretty la that's why. wahaha!
and of course, they came from you my darling. *kisses*

'rock a bye baby.' it's a scary rhyme. don't sing it to the babies. they freak out.
i learnt that from the book that dave gave me. two words: far-nee.

i went to holy triniity for evening mass alone today. The presentation of Christ.
nice and relaxing.
had steam boat for dinner. great chicky too!
from the shop opposite katong village.

dee has this weird infatuation with keira knightley now. haha. but she is a babe.
ming yan made really weird chocolate stuff. but it's good. haha.
i think i ate too much of it.
now my throat hurts. damn.
CNY coming. ang pow time.
time for gambling. muahaha.
it'll be about a year since i first met david. hmmm..?
haha. poker.
idiot. he took all my coins. he won his bus ride home.
bingky bongky bonk.
i need new shoes. i really do.
but i have no money.
nvm. hopefully ppl will be generous this year. please be.

love, ashley.

i need you

2005-01-31T17:00:00.000-08:00

'i need you like water; like
breath, like rain, i
need you like
mercy
from heaven's gates..'

and so it's like that..
i can't see life without you, but i'll have to try for awhile.
last night was a first.
never cried like that with someone else before.
i guess it's cos everything means so much to us.
and we feel the same emotions.
for each other.
for ourselves.
for our families.
for our friends.
i can't say how sorry i am.
it's scary how you're so understanding, and yet i find a comfort in it as well.
thank you babe.
i love you, always will.
even when i cry, i'll still love you.
even when i get mad, i'll still love you.
even if i try to push you away, i'll still love you.
even when i have no more heart, i'll still love you with my soul.
even when nobody loves me anymore, i'll still love you.
even if, even when..
i'll still love you.

just remember babe, the songs we sing together. the harmony we both create.
remember the laughs we share, the tears we cry.
they all draw us closer.
'just remember, baby, all the while, you belong to me..'

daddy,
i love you. i wish i could have you back, the way you were. without your crazies. without your anger. without you glare.
please daddy, come back to me.
i'll always be your little girl.
mummy loves you.
laura loves you.
papa loves you.
mama loves you.
i love you.
please, love yourself too.
don't make your life hard for yourself.
i'll be fine daddy, i'll be fine.. if only you let me.

my maid, marli's sister died today.
she was weeping when i got home from school.
i started to cry as well when i walked into my room.
why's everyone so sad?
God bless her sister's soul, give marli peace. and keep her family in sri lanka safe.

i felt dizzy in school today.
had a weird cough. tasted a bit of blood.
my chest was heavy and tight.
thought i was going to start gasping- again.
stayed in the sick bay for 2 hours.
napped a bit.. but was wakeful.
the stupid bell rings so loudly.
the teachers make so much noise when they use the toilet.

i have to be strong now.
for david, for myself.
i need to cheer up.
find a motivation in life to work towards.
dave used to be that motivation. i'd work towards the end of the week so i could see him.
but that's changed now. it's okay.
i still love him.
i'll be alright. as usual, i'll stagger out of this black hole.
somehow.

'somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue.
and the dreams that we dare to dream really do come true.
somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly.
birds fly over the rainbow, why then oh why can't i?
someday i'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
and troubles melt like lemon drops, way above the chimney tops
that's where you'll find me..'

2005-01-30T21:15:00.000-08:00

'if you get there before i do..
don't give up on me.
i'll meet you when my chores
are through. i don't know
how long i'll be.
but i'm not gonna let you down..
darling wait and see.
and between now and then
until i see you again,
i'll be loving you,
love, me.'

if i have to let you go,
please say you'll
wait, and
be with me
in the rain
that falls.
i'll be counting
the raindrops,
dear, counting
the rain that
falls.

love, ashley.

'parents, do not drive your children to resentment'

2005-01-30T02:38:00.000-08:00

please don't do this to me.
you make me feel like dying.
it's not a fair question.
don't ask me to choose between him and you.
you're both of importance in different ways.
you can't ask me to choose.
don't be an asshole, alright?
you even make mummy sad.
what's wrong with you?
the whole world is not trying to bring you down.
stop it.
stop it.
you're mad, imagining things that aren't hapenning.
if you can assume so much and think you're right
then i can do things and say i'm right too.
you don't have to use vulgar words in front of us to get your point across.
you just make yourself look cheaper. and crazier.
everything always has to be done your way cos you're a frog in a well.
really, you are.
try to think about me. just for once. me.
you always say i should spare a thought for you. i do. have you done the same for me?
don't insult my friends. they've only done me good.
the only one who's hurt me is you.
don't be a fool.
break my heart over and over again, there won't be much left of me.
call me a liar, a thief, a deceiver. whatever.
sometimes, you deserve to be lied to cos you assume so many things that aren't true.
i've only always tried to have that happy family you say you want.
well, i'm sick of trying. why don't you take over?
you say i don't talk. when i do i only get a scolding. why? because i'm always wrong and you're always right. why? because you just have to be. you're my father, and you pray to God.
Hello? So do I?
what makes you think he only guides you?
what makes you think I don't have any of his guidance?
what makes you think that my friends don't have God in them?
because they make our family unhappy?
No, dear father. That's you.
YOU make the family unhappy.
Even mummy agrees.
Lately, you've been crazy.
Your moods, your bitterness and hate. I think it's all rooted from yourself. not anyone else.
it's all in you. nobody is purposely trying to make you unhappy.
you ask if david can support me. of course he can't you goon. he's not working yet.
ask yourself. could you support mummy when you wanted to start dating her? no.. you made her pay on your first date. so stop telling me stupid things.
if need be, and if you really hate me so much, i'll support myself.
you say you won't care anymore. i'll still care for you though.
please don't get a heartattack. i don't really want you to die.
don't make yourself angry. please.
stop imagining things.
you pity yourself too much. really.
i learnt that people get bitter when they pity themselves too much.
i've stopped doing that.
i only cry when something will hurt another person as well.
i take it when it only hurts me, and let it eat me up inside, slowly.
i will die one day. so will you.
i actually want to start living.
so can you please let me?
good for you, you've found the love of your life and she lives with you now.
well, excuse me, i'm trying to get to know mine.
don't tell me that you already don't like him and that there's no hope for him.
you have no right to say that.
you haven't even met him.
you don't know how happy he makes me, and it's not for his own benefit either.
he's not that shallow sweet talker you make him out to be.
he loves me. i love him.
don't do this to me daddy.
don't do this to yourself.
our family is a happy one. or at least, was.
david didn't bring the problems. neither did i.
it's you. the problems came when you couldn't deal with me growing up.
it's all in you. learn to let go.
then, i promise you, we'll be happy once again.

love, ashley.

baby boy..

2005-01-29T07:05:00.000-08:00

"My love for you will never end,
You'll always be a part of me
As long as time keeps on passing by
You'll always be my baby boy."

dave my baby boy.. i love you!
thanks for the book.
'an autobiography of a one-year-old'
it's hilarious! and it's so unbelievably cute.. thank you darling.. i love you!
i'm so happy i got to spend time with you today.. i wish we could just be together all the time.

went for dinner with my cousins tonight. seth, luke and olivia! such darlings.. especially the baby girl. such a sweetie, goodness, she smiles at everyone. pretty babe.. i carried her like nearly all of the time that i wasn't eating. and the two boys (6 & 4) were playing catch outside the restuarant.. crazy gilas.. lukey tried to jump onto a rock in the middle of a pond and his leg fell in.. poor fella. haha.. saw this other gorgeous baby boy. little thing was crawling all over the place. 10 months old.

chinese new year's coming. ang pow time. but every year laura gets more than i do.. bleah. the pains of being the elder one. people tend to miss me. either they really think i'm old or they pretend not to know. kiam siap buggers. hmph!
daddy's going to london on valentine's day for a week.
in march, my whole family's going to tokyo.. i can't go. got the block test to study for. hais. bloody hell. i want to go to disney sea!
and in june, they're all going to sri lanka. i tell you, they have like the worst timing in the world. they have to choose my A level year to go travelling to all these places i've always wanted to go to.. and the best part is, they're going without me. bloody 'ell.

but it's okay.. it just means i get to see my baby more often.

love, ashley.

giving when it counts.

2005-01-28T04:35:00.000-08:00

Story: Giving When it Counts.
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Now's the time when we all go.. 'Awww, man...'
Yeah, just thought i'd share that story with everyone. It really made me wonder about the power of love.
If anyone were to ask me, 'would you give your life to save a loved one?', my answer would be yes, and no. It all depends on the situation.
If that person is going to die, and depends on you to be saved, definitely you'd want to save the person. But think about what will happen if you had to sacrifice your life to save him/her. So either way, one of you will have to die, right? Yeah so.. if you let the person die, then you'll live in regret for the rest of your life and suffer throughout, missing the person and blaming yourself for letting him/her go. But, if you saved the person by giving your life, then that person would forever live in grief, knowing that you died trying to save him/her and would live in agony, missing you and blaming him/herself for causing you to die. Remember, that person loves you too. Such a dilemma isn't it? I've been thinking about it quite a lot recently, and i really can't decide. hmm..

we had our road race today. it was quite hilarious. dee and i were being complete idiots together, especially me, causing a din at the back of the pack. i was speaking in a silly cockney accent, and dee was talking in a weird indian one. funny man.. she wanted to go visit her turtle friends in the reservoir.. silly goonie girl... haha! i was complaining all the way like a brit priss about the 'stupid bloody school, makin' us walk in this bloomin' hot weatha, on dusty gravel too!'
Hehe.. Benson, Raphael and Guo quan (excuse me if the spelling's wrong) were doing some dumbass military walk on the gravel road and then it suddenly became an old folk walkathon where we swung our hands and clapped them together in unison. Sunflower Old folks' home.. benjy and his nonsense! We were such crackos.. and we were like the last bunch of strollers to finish. Ha! dee and i sprinted the last 10m though.. hehehe.. yep. now my legs are quite soft. i've been walking everywhere the whole day! sheesh.

Love, ashley.

~finding neverland~

2005-01-27T02:57:00.000-08:00

Neverland.
an excited child i'll be if only i could go there.
if i could, i'd fly there and escape from the idiocy of this world... 2nd star to the right, straight on till morning..

i know you tried to talk to me, and i'm sorry that i didn't respond the way you would have liked. i'm struggling with myself. feeling so much inside, wanting to let it all out, scream it out to the whole damn world how much i love you. i do, i do, i do.
i'd talk to you forever and forever if i could.. i'd kiss you, to show you that i still love you, not an ounce less.. let me lay my head next to yours, just tonight, under the stars above, shining bright. i miss you so much, i can actually physically feel that emptiness and longing to have you in my arms again.
i wish we could find our neverland. our neverland where we shall be the king and queen. i would frolic in the forest all day, chase rainbow ends, make friends with the dragonflies, pluck sweet honeysuckle from the field and put them in my hair.
you could be pampered with oil baths and massages, soak in the hot spring, and watch me, your crazy girl run around in a sort of mad ecstacy of being in this wonderful world.
at night, i'd watch you sleep.. trace your face with my fingertips, kiss you tenderly without waking you, and lie by your side just silently watching you till morning breaks.
that would be my neverland.. then, we wouldn't have to grow old, we wouldn't get tired of each other, and we'll be happy.

but i can't take you to neverland, not really.. so i'll make do and try to make your world with me here like neverland.. where you'll always be happy, and you won't get old.. at least not in your heart. i'm still such a crazy loon of a girlie goon.. so maybe i'll rub some of it off on you.

Thanks all you people who made me smile today in school.. i'm alright really.. =) Thanks for the hugs, the kisses, and the sweet words.. heh..

Go watch Finding Neverland! It made me cry.. but it's a good film.

Love, ashley.

Letters.

2005-01-26T19:05:00.000-08:00

'Everyday, it's you I live for..
everyday, i follow after you,
everyday, i'll walk with you my Lord.'

Suddenly , everyone around me has somehow directed me to God. Again.

My Dear Dave,
You reminded me to turn to God when I felt like I had nobody to talk to, and even when I needed you so bad, you re-taught me to pray, and that was a deed that will not go forgotten. I've tried to keep it up since.. so thank you for nudging me back on track. I forgot, and He reminded me.. through you.

'Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
and the thoughts of self, and of sin
and strife will be lost in the
rapture above.'

My dear Jan (Dee),
Thanks for that moment just now. Standing outside the 4th floor toilet at the far end, looking at the HDB blocks and the bright sunshine.. praying. That was nice, and comforting for me, though I hope it did the same for you cos you needed it more than I.

'Lord I give you my heart,
I give you my soul.. I live for you alone..
Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake,
Lord have your way in me..'

My dear Daddy,
Though you probably won't be reading this, thanks for wanting to share prayer with me again. I may seem nonchalant about it, but I am glad. I guess I do have my pride.. sigh.. I hope I'll be able to pray like I used to before, tonight during family prayer.

'We all bow down, kings will surrender their crowns,
and worship Jesus, for He is the love,
unfailing love, He is the love of God.'

Dear Lord,
Thank you for everything you've done. Your mercy, your patience, your everlasting love. I've been a drifter, I hope that I can stay strong for you, and praise your name, and worship you like how I used to do. Help me find a way to do your ministry, use me, use my voice, let me sing for you, for you are worthy.

'Over the mountains and the sea, your river runs with love for me,
and I will open up my heart and let the healer set me free..
I'm happy to be in the truth, and I will daily lift my hands,
for I will always sing of when your love came down..
I could sing of your love forever, I could sing of your love forever..'

*inspired once again,
i hear angels whisper
your name in the
voices of the people
around me*

love, ashley.

it's me, and a blog. please, cut me some slack if it don't look good. just read.

2005-01-24T21:39:00.000-08:00

Okay.. it's a tad bit weird to be blogging, cos i wouldn't usually bother. But i decided that maybe it'd be good that i have an outlet somewhere, besides my diary..

I'm in year two of college now.. doesn't really feel like it but anyways, i am.
I'm suffering from neurotic surges.. so excuse me.
I'm missing my baby.. Dave.. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.
I'm hoping i would stop waking up every damn morning feeling like as if the problems of the whole world has dropped like a bomb upon me in my sleep.
I'm wishing that this year would just go by quickly, at least, till the end of my A's.
I'm wanting a beach bumming sorta holiday. White sand, crystal clear water, sunshine, the works.
I'm feeling like i have better things to do right now but just don't wanna do them.
I'm thinking that's a damn stupid situation to be in cos i have a pile of work to be done.
I'm singing 'what a wonderful world'.
I'm touching the keypad of my vaio, and also the withered and dried rose petals that was supposed to be Dave's.
I'm listening to Celine Dion's 'Miracle' album.
I'm looking at the photographs that i took last week. Haha.

Wouldn't it be nice if i could just pack my stuff and go on a journey to far far away lands. I'd wanna go to egypt with my baby and make love in some old pharoah's tomb. Roam the highlands of nepal. Jingle jangle with the caravan full of gypsies in spain. Smoke marijuana with some mysterious dude in some dark creepy ghetto. Run away from cannibals across the amazon. Live in a tree house in zimbabwe. Walk the sahara with the bedouins by my side. Lie naked on the beach of tahiti. Bask under the tuscan sun. Dance under the stars in rome. Awaken to the aurora at the north pole. Do the hula to the sound of waves and the ukelele in oahu.
..and i think to myself, what a wonderful world.

*CRASH*
Alright, i'm back in my too neat, too clean, too bright, too singapore bedroom.
Please, take me away, take me by the hand, kidnap me, throw me into the boot of a car, but please, just take me away.. somewhere that i can be alone with you.. where i can be at peace with myself, without making war with anyone else.

Oh, yes. Even if just for a day. Set me free, take me outta this misery. It's a boring life, and i don't like it much. But i guess you'll tell me i gotta make do.. well, that's why i treasure my imagination. It's my portal.. it's my own.. it's all mine, and mine alone.

love, ashley.

boulevard of dreams

to know You more.

In the wee small hours.

Mister Curiosity.

You and I Both.

All we hear is: Radio Gaga, Radio Googoo, Radio Blahblah.

Both sides now.

C'mon Bravery, anytime now.

without You.

Rainbow Connection.

festering of the hate-bug.

what a kick in the head.

Lately.

pop-she-bop-she-bop!

be prepared to forsake a little.

take out the speck, throw out the log.

the most wonderful time of the year, is it?

stylistics.

My first blog (nobody's read)

here and gone.

pulpitations

trashy tales.

have i told you lately..?

birds flying high.

intonation.

velocity atrocity

walk on by.

i will be still.

Kokomo.

vindication

Wild Horses

sleep tight, may angels hover over you.

daydream believer and a homecoming queen.

trace the patterned stars.

girl, interrupted.

huff puff.

Grass-patches.

sun-drowned summers.

a whole pregnancy term..

wishlist!

i've got a crush, my baby on you.

and so it is..

stupid things..

what a difference a day makes.

8 months honey.

she will be loved.

i would rather fight with you than make love with someone else.

everybody but nobody was..

sizzle hiss pop!

tokyo allergy.

mushi mushi..

it's all for you.

can't smile without you.

i've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..

nothingness is when i don't know you're there for me.

mirror mirror.

Non Sense ?

happy birthday baby.

lovefools.

sick sicker sickest.

I believe in miracles.. ooh sexy thing.

run! run! as fast as you can! you can't catch me i'm the gingerbread man!

neverneverland?

surprise baby!!

six months honey, and still hopelessly devoted to you.

ohwww... what's going on now?

*i need you*

'parents, do not drive your children to resentment'

baby boy..

giving when it counts.

~finding neverland~

Letters.

it's me, and a blog. please, cut me some slack if it don't look good. just read.

i need you