to know You more.

I've drifted really far away from You. And now I want to come back, draw close to You.
But it seems so difficult, like there're so many obstacles in the way- Pride, Betrayal, Dishonesty, Opinions.
I miss You and I need You.
I want You and I love You.
But I'm struggling within myself to let any of it show through.
Why does something so right seem so wrong?
After all that's said and done, I know that I've brought this upon myself.
You- oh, You are ever-patient; always waiting for and upon me.
I am incredibly unworthy of You- of Your love.
And yet, You love me with Your life- Your spirit- Your entire being.
I want the world to know that I love You: scream it out loud so that it becomes real- so that I admit it to myself; so that I can feel it once again and not be afraid of it.

Please, I beg You. I don't know what I beg of You, but I beg You.
I'll say it here, I'll say it now:
I. Love. You.

Love, ashley.

In the wee small hours.

I'm fighting the flu now. I guess it's because of my terrible lack of proper sleep- undisturbed, peaceful sleep. I haven't really been eating very well either. I feel hungry all the time, but when I start eating, after a while, I just feel nauseous and I won't be able to eat anymore. I don't even find candy or chocolate very enticing anymore. Everything brings back the memories. I should just go be a hermit in Tibet.


Please. Thanks. Sorry. Three words We all say very often but never really mean. They simply punctuate our sentences just because they should be there, not because we want them to be.


I want to mean the three words. To me. And you. And you.

When the sun is high in the afternoon sky
You can always find something to do
But from dusk till dawn as the clock ticks on
Something happens to you

In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the boy
And never ever think of counting sheep

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be his if only he'd call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss him most of all

Love, ashley.

Mister Curiosity.

hey mr. curiosity
is it true what they've been saying about you
are you killing me
you took care of the cat already
and for those who think it's heavy
is it the truth
or is it only gossip
call it mystery or anything
just as long as you'd call me
i sent the message on did you get it when i left it
see this catastrophic event
it wasn't meant to mean no harm
but to think there's nothing wrong is a problem

i'm looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
love is a mystery
mr. curious...

come back to me

mr. waiting ever patient can't you see
that i'm the same the way you left me
in a hurry to spell check me
and i'm underlined already in envy green
and pencil red
and i've forgotten what you've said
will you stop working for the dead and return
mr. curious well i need some inspiration
it's my birthday and i cannot find no cause for celebration
the scenario is grave but i'll be braver when you save me
from this situation laden with hearsay

i'm looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
and love is a mystery
mr. curiosity
be mr. please
do come and find me

i'm looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but it's making me cry
(trying not to ask why)
this love is a mystery
mr. curiosity
be mr. please
do come and find me

love is blinding when the timing's never right
oh who am i to beg for difference
finding love in a just an instant
well i don't mind
at least i've tried, well i tried
I tried...

love, ashley.

You and I Both.

And just when I thought that maybe everything would be alright, something inside me snaps and I'm thrown into this abyss of memory and emotions. I think about the 'used to's, the 'would have's, the 'should have's... And it all ends with this dull ache between my breast. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but in the midst of my business, you still somehow manage to wiggle your way into it all, suddenly appearing in front of me like some ghostly memory that haunts me- the more I will you away, the more you stick around, getting closer, more prominent, more obvious.

I don't know what I'm scared of. And now, when I'm scared I find I've got nobody to turn to. There are those who want to be there, but still, somehow, it feels... not wrong, but 'un-right'.

I haven't cried in about three days now. However, I feel a storm brewing inside ominously. If I had a colour-aura around me that everyone could see, all they'd see is greyness; they wouldn't even see me. Foggy greyness. There ain't no black or white for me now. It's all grey. And I hate it.

I went driving today. Was going quite fast down the flyover when the song below started playing. The acoustic version. I didn't see the lights change. Can't remember what happened next but it scared me real bad. Huge lurch forward as the force of inertia overwhelmed. Then, my instructor went on a rampage. And I... just wanted to disappear into the darkness of my reality.

You and I both. It's a song that connects too many memories.

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore,
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of,
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of,
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words.

Love, ashley.

All we hear is: Radio Gaga, Radio Googoo, Radio Blahblah.

This damned song has played a total of 7 times on the radio since friday night, and it's only friggin Tuesday. Seriously. I hate the radio. Never thought I'd ever say that in my lifetime but now, I will: I hate the radio.

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long, lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
does the feeling seem oh so right?

And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on?
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Sigh.

Love, ashley.

Both sides now.

I
want
to jump
out
of my
own
skin.

Mother Teresa said "Loneliness is the worst kind of poverty".
Right now, I'm pretty much dirt poor.

It's funny how you think everything will fall into place, but actually, everything just falls apart.

Things are better than I thought they would be, and yet worse at the same time.
They say Time gets you over anything.
But do I want to allow that to happen with me?

If, iffer, iffest.
Too many ifs.
Whatever it is, there needs to be change.
A lot of it.

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
Clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love
Really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends they're acting strange
And they shake their heads
And they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life
I really don't know life at all

Love, ashley

C'mon Bravery, anytime now.

And still, I remain hopeful- that things will work themselves out. I fear so much; scared of what is, and is to come. So many 'what if's, too many 'should have's. I ask myself over and over: Why. Why, why, why. This simple, one-word question is deceitfully innocent. It is in fact, a loaded machine gun, at the ready to shoot at all that comes into firing range.

Right now, I wish somebody could erase my memories- both good and bad, so that I don't feel anymore. I never thought it would hurt this much. I'm running out of strength, yet I know I need to push on, pull through. Maybe my ambition will be to invent a memory zapper so that nobody has to feel any pain. Memory causes pain- that much I know. Although it's quite a silly thing to want to do, I'm rather certain that if I do succeed in inventing such a thing, I'd be pretty rich.

I'm all mixed up now. Why does everything I think is right feel so wrong? And yet, the things that feel right, cannot be.

It's scary how I miss you so. I can't stop crying. I don't dare to listen to the radio, I don't sing any songs, I don't dare to even move about my own room because all the things that are around it remind me of you. You're everywhere. Really, everywhere. I drive around town and I see us walking together down the street. I look up at the stars and I see you smiling at me. I can't talk to anyone because nobody's like you. I can't eat although I'm starving, I can't sleep even if my eyes hurt and my head's throbbing with fatigue. I don't dare to look into the mirror because I'm afraid of who or what I'll see- ugly me with the Yoda eyes and puffy face, blotchy red from crying my heart out. All this and you think I've been depressed for a few thousand years.

It's only been a day.



Cannot touch, cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss,
Cannot have each other

Must be strong, and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know
How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you here in my arms?
How does one waltz away from all of the memories?
How do I not miss you when you are gone?

Cannot dream, Cannot share,
Sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel,
Must pretend it's over

Must be brave, and we must go on
Must not say what we've known all along
How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you here in my arms?
How does one waltz away from all of the memories?
How do I not miss you when you are gone?
How can I not love you?

Must be brave, and we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along
How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you here in my arms?
How does one waltz away from all of the memories?
How do I not miss you when you are gone?

How can I not love you when you are gone?

Love, ashley.